Valkyrie

its not often that a movie is both entertainin and brainstrainin but here won is. germans usully get a bad rap in the movies always eatin poos and weein on each other its enuff to make a man sick you know what im sayin. i know filmmakers have a responsobility to show the truth and we all saw that truth in HANSEL GOES TO SHIZTOWN, ICH DAS ASSEN WARRIOR and BUMHOLE MANIA but now it is time to show the germans doin some good and TOM CRUISE is just the man to do it.

here is my trademark sumary: tom cruise is a german PIRATE who decides to save all the jews by givin them work in a factory. but ADOLF HITLER is unhappy about this because he wants the jews to work in his own SPECIAL FACTORY over in orschwitz. hitlers workin conditions are terribel and he wont let the jews have a union or anythin. he also keeps tryin to make them take a shower together its kinda gay because dudes shouldnt take showers together its an alone time I KNOW YOU UNDERSTAND ME.

this is a grate movie full of thrills and spills and its educational to. tom cruise plays THE CAPTAIN a german nazi who is also a pirate. he is conflicted by his pirate side a lot as it doesnt get on with his nazi side and this is why he decides to lead the VALKIRIES a gang of good germans who drive around in valkiry cars. these cars are a bit old fashioned but they go alright and they are german made this is why the movie is called VALKIRIES.

tom cruise is very good in this and pulls off a grate german accent. word is that he spent 12 months walkin around with one eye shut in preperation for wearin an eyepatch. now thats acting. hitler is played by BEN STILLER. ben stiller does the best actin of his career and practiced at not bein jewish in preparation for playin hitler by eating heaps of bacon and havin regular toast for breakfast instead of bagels. in one part of the movie hitler sees his dog run over by a jew in a car and you can see the pain in his eyes in this pivotal moment and this is why he blames the jews for everythin. its golden globe winnin stuff.

my favrite bit of the movie would have to be when THE CAPTAIN AND ADOLF HITLER FIGHT. the movie takes a while to build up to it but it is the best fight shown in movies this year. hitler has two gatling guns one grafted onto each arm and he fires them up like a demon but the captain is able to dodge the bullets and eventully he gets hitler in a headlock and forces hitler to sign a treaty to not make jewish dudes have showers with other jewish dudes. hitler is all like 'NOOOOO but dey are so gaaaaayyyyyyy for each udder' and the captain says 'your the one who is gay GAYDOLF HITLER' and then he high fives the rest of the valkiries and they all put their hands on top of each other in a circle and go 'WOAAAAHHH VALKIRIES!' like a football team. then the movie freeze frames on the captains face after he lifts his eyepatch up to reveal that he has a normal eye. WHAT A TWIST.

i give this movie 10 stars

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