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JCVD

January 27th 2010 06:22


Everyone loves a comeback. Whether it's Marlon Brando in The Godfather, Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler or AC/DC's single Rock N Roll Train, there's something special about seeing someone recpature the glory that made them famous so very long ago. The last person anyone ever expected a comeback from was probably Jean-Claude Van Damme, alongside Steven Seagal he's become something of a straight-to-DVD joke in recent years. No one could ever imagine either of these two guys ever making a triumphant comeback because their screen personas seem so entwined with career-damaging egos. Their inability to laugh at themselves to any degree means that the common, non-action film fan can't identify with them in any capacity. JCVD is a comeback film of epic proportions because it combines a surprisingly post-modern concept with an unprecedented depth of humility on Van Damme's part. The film itself isn't as big in scope as we might hope it to be, but it does things with an 80s action star (the genuine article!) that we never dreamed could be done. If someone travelled back in time to ten years ago and described this film to me I wouldn't have believed them. In fact, prior to seeing this film for myself, I didn't really believe it anyway.


Jean-Claude Van Damme plays himself. We open with a fabulous tracking shot of Van Damme singlehandedly ripping apart an army to the soulful strains of Baby Huey, at the end of the opening credits it's revealed that this is Van Damme the actor, on a movie set. He lets fly at the director in frustration at having to do all this in one long tracking shot as he's getting too old for it. From here we follow Van Damme through his ongoing custody battles for his daughter, a disappointing meeting with his agent, his mounting financial troubles, etc, etc. All these things echo Van Damme's real life - his own personal frustration at only being given the opportunity to be in crap European movies, his real life custody battle for his son... it's a brave case of art imitating life that allows Van Damme to bring more depth to his acting then anyone ever thought possible.


The bulk of the film is given over to a hostage/heist plot that Van Damme inadvertantly gets embroiled in. The film takes a non-linnear look at the events, examining the heist from an outside perspective at first, then showing us what is concurrently going on inside, and then opening the story out further to show the events leading up to it. Part of it feels like hipness for the sake of being hip, but it also allows for a couple of very funny side-scenes where people interact with Belgian superstar Jean-Claude Van Damme. As this is the real life Van Damme and not his toughened screen persona, JCVD pits him against a rather inept but dangerous trio of robbers as opposed to his usual movie-sized oppponents. Van Damme is forced to used his wits rather than his fists, which is as good a start at any if an action hero wants to break free from his typecasting.

This movie is really about the scenes where we get to see Van Damme do things that he normally doesn't do in movies - whether it's his upsetness at disappointing his mum, his apparent willingness to work for nothing in order to be in a good movie, or his amusing interactions with fans and non-fans (some of which were apparently adlibbed). But the one amazing scene that everyone talks about when they see this movie is the sequence where he breaks the fourth wall and talks directly to the audience... where he directly apologises to his fans, talks frankly about his drug addiction and marital problems, and becomes quite emotional. You can't help but be moved by what is very obviously the real Van Damme letting the audience know his deepest regrets and insecurities, it's astounding and captivatingly heartfelt. I've never really been much of a Van Damme fan, but I now have a lot of respect and admiration for him. Hardcore Van Damme fans should love this movie too, there are several references to his career that would probably mean a lot more to them then they did to me. It's a shame that he'll probably continue doing the same sorts of films he usually does, but at least he got to make this movie... it's the kind of truthful film that superstars never make. I can't really think of anyone else as famous who has ever put themselves out there like this. This is the sort of film that almost never gets made.
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sup yall i am back in the biz i been settin fires and kickin tires and i fought i might take some time out to give you all the downlow on this new movie that is out called THE PUBLIC ENEMIES.

Here is my trademark summary: its the olden days (the 1950s to be exact) johnny depp and christopher bale are enemies of each other but they is enemies in PUBLIC hence the title PUBLIC ENEMIES. they start to fite and then johnny depp goes to court and he has to fite for his LIFE suffice to say he wins and it is a feelgood ending.

i did not really enjoy this movie it was very long and borin and slow. if i wanted to see borin i wouldve just stayed home and spent time with my kids but anyway i went to this movie for the BENEFIT of the PUBLIC so they could be enlitened. the movie people wouldnt let me bring my kids in to watch the movie because they are ABSOLOOT PUTZS and said both my kids were obviosly under the age of 10 but its okay i put the radio on in the car for the kids and they had a good time waitin for me while i watched the movie.

now. this is a borin movie becaws there was
1. no comedy or steve martin
2. not enuff violence
3. no full frontal noodz of the babe in it

on the plus side the babe in it does get a mad beatin and i have to say it is a pretty hot seen she is a good actress almost as good as SILVIA SAINT or BRIANNA BANKS i would easily let her servise my GRRRROINAL REGION. DING DING DING.

anyways the title is a clever title becaws the two main characters actully hav a fite in the public toilets and it starts with johnny depp playin cards in the toilets and christopher bale comes in and goes "PUBLIC ENEMY YOU ARE UNDER ARREST!" and johnny depp is all like "no wai just let me finish this hand. i have a really good hand". christopher bale is curious and he goes "WHAT HAND DO YOU HAVE?" and he comes closer to get a look and then johnny depp goes "it is a FLUSH" and he GETS CHRISTOPHER BALES HEAD AND FORCES HIM INTO A TOILET AND HE FLUSHES IT. it is a very powerful yet funny seen and it confirms johnny depp as one of the best actors of the old generaytion.

i hav seen my fair share on public toilets and they are not pretty places. when i was on my massage parlor tour of thailand i went into this one toilet and the azns were actually standing on the toilet bowls. i said "woah dude you need to SIT on that SHIT" and they were all like "AZN SOUNDS" and so i pushed one of the dudes down onto his ass and he wasnt happy he looked like he was gonna cry and i rememberd that azns have there own culture so i was like 'PEACE BRO JUST TRYIN TO DO YOU A SOLID'

anyway i would give the PUBLIC ENEMIES MOVIE a 3 out of 10. it was very average not as good as the new wolverine movie. i wouldve given it a 1 or 2 but rap superstar PUBLIC ENEMY makes an intriging cameo near the end as the judge compleet with the big clock around his neck.
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WOLVERINE THE X MAN

May 5th 2009 00:12


BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR.

you herd it here first. THE DARK NITE and WATCHMEN and IRON MAN could all lern a thing or 2 about bein awesome from this movie.

here is my trademark summary: wolverine is a man who lives forever just like in the HIGHLANDER movies only he isnt a stupid irishman but is in fact a cool american. he is short on money so he goes to the army and they pay him to take a special bath and when he wakes up he has SUPER MAD METAL CLAWS. wolverine then has some adventures and stuff.

basically this is the best comic book movie ever made. it has everythin. it has WOLVERINE in it witch automaticly makes it the best. HUW JACKAMAN is very talented he can sing AND be wolverine and it is rumoured that he will be gettin his own airline soon as a thankyou present from the film community. tom hankses son named TOM HANKS JR also appears and he plays wolverines brother SABERTOOTH.

there is this one bit in the movie where i jumped up and cheered and everyone turned around and told me to be quiet. i started arkin up because who are these chumps tellin me to be quiet when i am the king of film knowlidge? i tried to take a swing at this one woman but the film staff made me go sit somewhere else in the room. why do hoyts staff have to ruin it for everyone? as you may or may not be aware i am a big fan of NO-RULES FIGHTIN its pretty much what makes my hart beat if you know what im sayin. NO RULES FIGHTIN is somethin that wolverine would be a fan of if he was real and livin in western sydney so it is hippocritical to not let me NO RULES FIGHT while a WOLVERINE movie is on. NO RULES means NO RULES so if someone be hatin they be getting a shoulder dislocatin it doesnt matter who they are whether they are a tuff talkin youngsta or a 40 year old bussness man or a heavily pregnant woman who just wont shut her mouth. NO RULES FIGHTIN IS A LIFE STYLE CHOICE and i am thinkin of boycottin hoyts for their DISCRIMINASHUN AGAINST MY LIFESTYLE CHOICE

the next x man movie is going to be about another cool x man called CAPTAIN AMERICA. i cant wait for this one as captain america is yet to come to the big screen. selebrated gay actor and icon JOSH HARTNET will be playin the captain. i dont know if he can pull it off (he is good as pullin things off so i hear. this is a joke and reference to his gay passtimes like touching other dudes junk). ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

wolverine will next be seen in the new batman movie as the hero and batman will be playin the villain for a change. this will be good too.
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NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

March 17th 2009 08:15


if theres one thing we can be happy about when it comes to holywood movies its that they know when they have made a mistake. look at AWESOME DIRECTOR george lucas for exampel. he made the star wars movies and when he realised that he had made some mistakes he gladly went back and fixed it FOR THE FANS. thats a true talent and it takes a lot of balls. holywood has come to realize this more and more and when they make a mistake now they simply just go and redo the movie like they did with the HULK and MAD MAX which they remade twice with mel gibson playin the same role over and over again


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james bond the NEW MOVIE

February 26th 2009 23:46


Wassup I am back and the flava of the day is PURE GIN N TONIC. That’s rite I am talkin about the new james bond movie of witch I have found an exclusive picture that you can see above this is Daniel craig playin JAMES BOND in the new upcoming james bond movie SHAKEN BUT NOT STIRRED. The title is of course a reference to james bonds drink of GIN N TONIC which he prefers to be shaken and NOT stirred. It is also a clever reference to the fact that james bond will NOT be STIRRED by anyone as he is quiet TUFF but when he sees hes 5 year old daughter blown up by an ITALIAN NUCLEAR WARHEAD he is understandedly SHAKEN and decides to go on THE RAMPAGE TO KILL EVERY ITALIAN ACCEPT FOR RALPH MACCHIO OF THE KARATE KID MOVIES


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in bruge MY REVIEW

September 4th 2008 02:40


wassup i have been layin on the downlow lately because of some personal issues that im not really gonna share with yall but lets just say that fagitz will be fagitz and no one can take away my right to be a champ. im just gonna leave it at that so please direct further question on this matter to my middle finger


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everyone is all like full manging on the new Batmans movie. when was the last time everyone got this excited about part 6 of a major movie franchise? no dont answer that it is what i like to call a retorical question. the answer is POLICE ACADEMY 6. aaaaaand THAT movie DIDN'T have a major star die before hand. and yet it still rules. you might ask what am i tryin to say here? well i will leave that up in the air


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Point Break 2: Surf's Up

June 22nd 2008 12:31
AN EARLY PROMOTIONAL MOCKUP FOR POINT BREAK 2!


wassup yall i have some important and exciting news. yes. POINT BREAK 2 IS FINALLY BEING MADE. after more than a decade of waiting and watching patrick swayzee slum it in crappy arthouse movies like donnie darko he is finally coming back to play the almighty bohdee in a sequel to the greatest film of all time. i have a source who works in the film industry and they managed to slip me this great early promotional poster and told me that the new film is to be titled 'POINT BREAK 2: SURF'S UP' which i think is a great title and really you can't beat that


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Street Kings may just be the top movie fo 2008. i'm laying that one down now so you should all mark my words and go check it out because it WILL be BEST FILM of 2008 when the oscars come round next year


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bloodsport

May 9th 2008 06:08


today i am writing about the gretaest film of all time - BLOODSPORT. if you havent seen this film then i challenge your status as a film 'fan' and i accuse you of being a film KNOW NOTHING


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yesterday i saw IRON MAN. as you can tell from the above pic this is about a robot superhero who smashes bad guys and stuff. that's my summary of the movie by the way. i thought i would just start off with my trademark summary this time round to pull all yo readers right in. and it worked


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The Maltese Falcon

December 13th 2007 01:30
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Superman Returns

March 27th 2007 11:18
superman returns


It's been well over fifteen years since we last saw the world's most famous superhero on the screen. With the recent and successful revival of Batman, it was with eager eyes that DC fans gazed upon a Superman for the 21st century. Let's look at what this film had in it's favour to help feed the buzz that heralded it's arrival


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In The Line of Fire

March 22nd 2007 11:16
In The Line of Fire
In The Line of Fire (1994)


'In The Line of Fire' is a popular and criically-acclaimed action film starring Clint Eastwood, Rene Russo and John Malkovich. Directed by Wolfgang Petersen ('Das Boot', 'Neverending Story', 'Troy' and the recent 'Poseidon' remake), this 1994 film was the last film starring Clint Eastwood that Eastwood didn't direct himself. The film earned more than twice it's budget at the box office, and introduced character actor John Malkovich to mainstream audiences. It also earned Malkovich his second Oscar nomination


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