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Old Movies - May 2008

Theres something about Mary

May 30th 2008 04:10
Adolf Hitler in his comedy film phase


i thought i would lighten things up and talk about a comedy today. comedies are movies that make us laugh and feel good they were invented by the americans because they have such a great sense of humour. the british have made a few comedies too but these generally aren't as good. to this date there has never been an asian or a european comedy as they have no sense of humour whatsoever. the french and germans in particular have never even considered making a comedy film for this exact reason. the one exception is adolf hitler who made many silent comedies in the early days of movie history. these comedies were not very well recieved and he eventually gave it up in favour of warfare and the mass extermination of jews and homos. just think, if more people dug these early german attempts at comedy we might not have had world war 2. im not pointing any fingers or anything its just a thought.


anyway, today i am talkin about one of the greatest comedies of all time - There is Something about Mary. Alongside the two Dumb and Dumber films and the Scary Movie franchise, this is possible the funniest thing ever put on film. it is the first movie to feature a joke that involved someone putting semen in their hair and is also the first film to co-star an actual honest2god retard (the charactar Warren, who holds his own against the other professional non-retarded actors). it is also BEN STILLERS first movie and it ranks alongside The Heartbreak Kid, Duplex and Envy as his best work.


here BEN STILLER plays a guy who loves a girl named mary (played by Candice Diaz). he tracks her down in tropical hawaii and he must fight many other men to get to her because there is SOMETHING about her that they all want. This 'something' is the blueprint to a special machine that will help America win the cold war against russia. BEN STILLER must use his comedy prowesss to beat russian double-agents and specially trained attack dogs.

the film also co-stars pauly shore as Jazzy Jacob - a small but pivotal role - this is important because before ben stiller PAULY SHORE was the biggest comedy superstar in movies and this meeting between them on the screen represents a passing of the torch. pauly shore was paid a whopping $4 million for his ten minute appearance and insisted on using a british accent.

There is Something About Mary is quite an old movie now, somewheree between 15 and 20 years old. there has been recent talk about remaking it as Something About Mary Returns. to generate excitement about this project the director (bryan singer) is using special computer technology to resurect pauly shore as Jazzy Jacob and you can here pauly shore's distinctive british accent over the recent trailers for this remake/sequel. it sounds pretty good but only time will tell if this movie will match the original. ben stiller is non commital about returning to his role and it is highly possible that his part will be played by TV SUPERSTAR DAVID SWCHWIMMER.
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Night of the Living Dead zombies walking through a field
The Internet Archive is a magnificent repository of copyright free images and video clips, saved and archived in one spot.

For me, it's the moving images section that fascinates... the collection of old classic movies, expired past their copyright, now sitting happily in the public domain. You can watch all these great classics, for free, or download to your home computer.

I just downloaded George A. Romero's "Night of the Living Dead", the fabulous resurrection of the zombie, launched into Pennsylvania theatres. It was as unsettling today as it might have been 40 years ago... no, that can't be true. Roger Ebert noted that the kids that watched the opening of the film looked scarred beyond healing.

The archive is massive, though, which makes it tough to find movies that you might be interested in. On the other hand, if you're trawling the depths of the archive for B-movies and schlocky horror, Mr. Bali Hai has a great list on some of the offereings.

" I uncovered a metric buttload of old cult filmage in the public domain, and in a fit of obsessive-compulsive mania, decided to make a list that included every film in the archive that also makes an appearance in Michael Weldon's essential guide to midnight movies, The Psychotronic Encyclopedia of Film."

He proceeds to list some excellent movies, such as "M" and "Night of the Living Dead", giving links to where you can find them. There's no excuse now!

*this image is from Newsday.com
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The Godfather (of cruddy movies)

May 23rd 2008 05:19


The godfather is said to be the all time best gangster film of all time but I gotta tell ya that its not. Its all lies told by the Man in charge because they don’t want to admit that there are better films out there. Like scarface. Or street kings. Here is a list of things wrong with the godfather

1. it’s old. I mean, like really old. It was made in the late 50s so for a start theres no decent action in it. Sure some dudes get killed but you hardly see any blood and the whole things so old its virtually black and white.
2. marlon brando. You cant even understand what hes saying! Sometimes they don’t even speak in English. I wasn’t surprised when I heard they gave him the oscar for this only to take it back off him afterwards – hey I guess we all make mistakes sometimes, at least the academy admitted it in this case and confiscated the award back.
3. its so long! I mean like 4 hours long. They dance for a bit, some dude finds a horse head in his bed, then they eat some pasta and then they go to church. And that’s pretty much it!

Now compare this to scarface
1. scarface has a chainsaw in it.
No need for any other points. That automatically means scarface is better.

Now compare it to street kings
1. street kings is the greatest film ever made.
And the godfather isn’t, so once again, this automatically means street kings is better.

I tried to watch godfather 2 but I got too bored because they didn’t speak English in it AT ALL. Godfather 3 on the other hand was surprisingly good, mainly due to the appearance of a young tom hanks, who completely steals the movie, but still that dont save the whole trilogy.

if you want to see a decent crime movie check out street kings or rush hour.
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Street Kings may just be the top movie fo 2008. i'm laying that one down now so you should all mark my words and go check it out because it WILL be BEST FILM of 2008 when the oscars come round next year


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bloodsport

May 9th 2008 06:08


today i am writing about the gretaest film of all time - BLOODSPORT. if you havent seen this film then i challenge your status as a film 'fan' and i accuse you of being a film KNOW NOTHING


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well it looks like all be on the floor for the new steven spielberg movie called Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skulls. I dunno what the big deal is. they get Harrison Ford outta retirement when no one cares about him anymore and make him the star in this movie and the whole thing looks like a BLATANT RIP OFF of National Treasure starring Nic Cage. now, as you all now, Nic cage is at least twenty years younger then harrison ford so WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST MAKE NIC CAGE THE STAR?!?! Harrison Ford hasn't even been in a movie for over 5 years! The last thing he did was a guest spot in 24 as Keifer Sutherland's dad so WHAT GIVES. Nic cage is a REAL star, they should've just made it as National Treasure: The Crystal Skulls. Tell me that wouldn't rule. who gives two swipes of shiz about some old doofus called 'indaiana jones' what kinda name is that anyway


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sup suckahs. stu kicks here and i thought id bring all you chumps the gospel. so here it is


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yesterday i saw IRON MAN. as you can tell from the above pic this is about a robot superhero who smashes bad guys and stuff. that's my summary of the movie by the way. i thought i would just start off with my trademark summary this time round to pull all yo readers right in. and it worked


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yo wassup. cause i'm so deadly and awesome i just keep on watching movies after movies after movies. yesterday i watched Lars and the Real Girl and here's my sum up


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